A perpetual tragi-comedy in one act

Vladimir and Estragon are hanging around, having a chat…

Vlad-“If only my Mother could see me now”

Est – “Why?”

V-“Because the road to hell is paved with good intentions”

E-“That’s deep”

V-“Not really, it’s just because you’re an ill-educated oaf”

E-“Well, we don’t all have contacts in high places, mate”

V-“Hah! That’s typical of the working classes, never do anything but complain and wait for a handout”

E-“I saw your Mother the other day”

V-“No you didn’t”

E-“I fucking did mate, larger than life and just as ugly”

V-“It’s too much for one man”

E-“Huh?”

V-“There’s nothing to be done”

E-“I think you need a lie down”

V-“One daren’t even laugh any more”

E-“What’s so funny?”

V-“Don’t you find humour in the agony of it all?

E-“What, you mean laughing at our meaningless existence and the miserable realisation that this is all there is?”

V-“No. I was talking about your boots being too small”

E-“You’re not helping”

V-“I’m glad you think so. I wonder where he is?”

E-“What do you expect? Anyway, it’s not the boots, it’s the feet”

V-“I don’t want to know the details. We might be here forever”

E-“That’s existentialism. Nothing lasts forever”

V-“Christ almighty, how much longer?”

E-“How’s your Mother?”

V-“There’s nothing to be done”

E-“I’m glad to hear it. All’s well that ends well”

V-“How about hanging ourselves?”

E-“Not now, wait until dark”

V-“Well, take it or leave it”

E-“It’s gone, we do it wrong, offering nought but violence”

V-“Must be getting late”

E-“Why?”

V-“Better late than never”

E-“There’s nothing to be done”

V-“Shall we go?”

E-“I saw this bloke the other day, charming sort of fella”

V-“Was it your Mother?”

E-“I don’t think so, I would have remembered that”

V-“What’s the time?”

E-“Later than you think”

V-“Better late than never”

E-“But it’s now or never”

V-“Then never”

E-“Do you realise that nothing has ever happened”

V-“And it has happened more than once”

E-“I can’t understand where it went”

V-“Exactly”

E-“Well, you can’t have everything, where would you put it all?”

V-“I’d put it in the bank, it would be safer than keeping it under the bed”

E-“The bank? The bank, you say? I wouldn’t give the bank the time of day”

V-“They probably have their own clocks”

E-“How can you trust a place that has it’s own clocks, for Christ’s sake! Never put your trust in someone else’s time”

V-“I see what you mean”

E-“What do I mean?”

V-“I’m sure I don’t know. Better safe than sorry”

E-“There you are, now you get it. You give ’em everything and the bastards lock it away in a safe and then you have to pay the fuckers to get it back again”

V-“It’s a good business model”

E-“Why didn’t we think of it?”

V-“Because you’re an ill-educated oaf”

E-“That may be true and many people would agree with you. What’s your excuse?”

V-“My Mother wanted me to learn a trade”

E-“I remember. Your mother was a hard bitch”

V-“Do you remember where we went wrong?”

E-“Probably not, that’s why I’m standing here with you in the middle of nowhere discussing it”

V-“It could be worse”

E-“It’s always worse than it was before. Remember when we had it all?”

V-“We should never have put it in that bank”

E-“They’ve probably spent it all by now, it was so long ago”

V-“No use worrying about it now. At least it wasn’t lost completely, that would have been a terrible waste”

E-“That’s very Christian of you”

V-“It’s the least I can do in the circumstances”

E-“May God forgive you”

V-“Amen”

Curtain.